Have you ever had an overly sensitive smoke detector in the kitchen? You’re just cooking happily, maybe there’s a bit of smoke or steam but nothing bad is happening; then the smoke alarm goes off. The piercing noise will trigger your nervous system to respond and start panicking in order to address the threat. You look around the kitchen, double check and see that indeed there is no fire and everything is okay. That’s helpful, but really you won’t be able to calm down until you stop that really invasive noise by figuring out how to switch the alarm off.
Smoke alarms are there to keep us safe, but we want them set to the right level so that they go off when there is risk of a house fire, and not every time we cook dinner. It would be a shame if we even started avoiding cooking dinner, an activity we might quite enjoy, just so the alarm doesn’t go off.
Past sexual trauma can be like an internal overly sensitive smoke alarm. We can really want to have a good sexual relationship with our partner, know that they are safe, loving, very consensually motivated, but still when we get close, the alarm goes off. It can be very hard to focus on the facts of the present and calm down when our whole body is saying ‘get out, the house is on fire!’
There’s a lot you can do to improve the accuracy of your smoke alarm though. Just realizing what’s going on can be very helpful in being more kind and patient towards yourself. From there you can do some breathing and other grounding activities, reminding yourself that the past is behind you and you are in the present. You can also remind yourself that you can experience calm, pleasure and enjoyment in your body, even if it takes a little while to figure out how to get there.
Getting your partner involved can also help. You can explain to them what happens for you and ways they might be able to support you at those times. This might just include a check-in from them if they notice anything: “Are you doing ok? Is this a time where your over-functioning smoke alarm is going off?”. Remind yourself that you know your partner, that you like them and that you trust them. Also, that you are choosing to engage in this (sometimes tricky) activity and you can stop or change anything at any time.
Learning to sit in the uncomfortable feelings that come up until you can turn the alarm off can help to reinforce that although this is hard, the house isn’t burning down. You can thank your smoke alarm for looking out for you and trying to keep you safe but let it know now that ‘it’s okay here, everything is alright, I’ve got this’. Over time you can use these skills to teach your smoke alarm how to respond more accurately to the signals in the present.
Seeing a couples’ therapist or sex therapist who has experience in this area can also be helpful. Feel free to contact me, or any other therapist at Couples Therapy NZ, to see how therapy might support you. (You may also be eligible for funded individual therapy through ACC Sensitive Claims.) By Charlotte Reynolds