Over the decades of talking with couples, I have observed that there is a pivotal moment when you get back together after time apart, especially at the end of your separate work days. It frequently sets the tone for the whole evening.
When you are both full of your busy days, it’s so easy to not connect or to misconnect, to start your evening frustrating or hurting each other. If you have children, it’s usually what many parents refer to as the “witching hour” when the kids are tired, hungry, and need attention. Plus there are all the practical demands of getting them fed, bathed, and off to bed.
It’s not the only time, but it is the most common time when a couple can benefit from developing what I call “rituals of connection”. This is a deliberate, even formal, way of greeting each other that gives you a chance to really feel seen, and like you matter to your significant other.
Unless there is a genuine crisis, take two minutes to attend to your relationship, despite all the other pressures on you. One minute to get yourself organised, put down your bag, rinse and dry your hands, tell the kids you need to stop and give Mum/Dad a hug. Then take one minute to connect.
The essential communication is non-verbal, usually something like a hug, a kiss, or a held gaze that might only last one minute. It may take a bit of experimentation and practice to determine something that works for you both. The key is that it is done with a clear intent to connect with your partner and with full concentration and focus.
For that one minute, aim to be fully present to the relationship, to the importance of this person in your life, your desire for them to be happy, and for you to have a good life together. Do your best to let things like that show in the way you greet them, look at them, and touch them, even if you are stressed or tired. It’s only one minute.
If you are coming home from work stressed out of your head, use the trip home to get yourself ready to greet your spouse. If you are the one at home, then when you notice it’s getting towards the time your spouse usually gets home, orient yourself towards having that one minute. You might ask for a text five minutes before they get home so you have a chance to get organised.
You can also use a ritual like this when you have been apart for a weekend or a work trip, when you say goodbye, and any other time you see the necessity. Rituals grow in power the more you do them, so long as you practice them mindfully and with clear intention. If you use this tool to manage those tricky times of transition into and out of connection, you may find they become a cornerstone for your relationship.