Do you try hard to stay “logical” or “rational” when talking or disagreeing with someone?  On the surface this looks like a good idea – we want decisions made on factual information, not just emotions.  But, as fans of Star Trek will know, this is a doomed enterprise (pun fully intended, with apologies).

What we usually acheive is the exact opposite of being rational.   When I talk in an “unemotional” way, what I actually do is disown and deny the feelings that are the motivation for my opinion.  Emotion researcher Karla Mclaren (https://karlamclaren.com) stresses that emotions are a fundamental part of our cognitive system.  In other words, emotions are another way our brain sends us messages just like our senses do. We can’t think without feeling.

When we present our ideas and opinions as if they were devoid of feeling we are often trying to position ourselves as “better” than our more emotional partner.  It is common to use the fact that someone has emotions about a topic as a reason to dismiss their opinion.  There are several things wrong with this approach. 

Firstly it is rooted in a competitive, “win/lose” view of disagreements that is toxic to intimate relationships.  If your partner feels strongly about something, that’s an opportunity for intimacy, for knowing them better.  Rather than dismissive, be curious about why and what it means to them. 

Secondly, kidding ourself we are emotionless obscures our motivation and deprives both ourselves and our partner of crucial information necessary to make any decision or conclusion valid.  When we are not looking at all the facts, our choices are likely to be misguided.

Thirdly an “emotionless” presentation invites misunderstanding of our intention – our partner is forced to guess where we are coming from.  Because of the way human brains are wired, their guess will almost always be more negative or catastrophic than our actual position.  Leading to their emotional response to us being off-kilter and confusing to us.

Finally, and most importantly, when we deny or suppress the emotional aspect of our being, we issue an unconscious invitation to our partner to take care of it for us.  This leaves us feeling unnecessarily vulnerable and out of control because we are NOT in charge of our own life.  Our emotional well being is in the hands of someone else. No matter how much they love us, they cannot know or give us exactly what we need.  Frequently this results in us feeling frustrated and angry with them because of their inability to do an impossible job.  This dynamic is a recipe for mutual hurt and cannot be solved unless we reclaim responsibility for our own emotional well-being.

By contrast, the truly rational approach is to accept that you, like every other human, are full of feelings and they represent important information that needs to be acknowledged and understood.  As such this needs to be part of what we think and talk about, especially when we disagree with someone else.   When we talk about and take responsibility for our own emotions and show interest and care in those of our partner, then we are finally acting rationally in service of our goal of having a good relationship.

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Yet, the truth is we are always attracted to someone who is different from us.  An inevitable result is that our partner will see things differently, will have different preferences, and organise their priorities in ways that are alien to us. This creates conflict.  It doesn’t mean there is anything going wrong.

This is where we need to be persistent.  To hold on to what we think, want, or feel and keep treating it as important and worthwhile.  Yet, just to make the business of relationship even more challenging, we have to, AT THE SAME TIME, treat our partner’s perspective as being of interest and value.  To be open to them and how they feel and see things.

If you fall into the trap of trying to tell your partner they are wrong because they are different, you undermine your credibility and invite defensiveness.

If you fall into the trap of appeasement, of giving in for the sake of peace, you abandon your self and set the seeds of resentment and frustation.

If your idea is a good one then your job is to persuade your partner of its merits.  You will have to “sell” them the idea in a way that shows you are open to them.  Talk in terms that have meaning for them, that fit with their view of the world.  Successful persuasion involves a lot of empathy and, frequently, knowledge of what is important to the other person, of their world view. 

In order to be persuasive, you may need to persist past your partner’s initial self-protective reflexes, past their misunderstandings of what you meant, and past their fears of losing out or surrendering their power. 

You are likely to have to reach deep into yourself to understand and explain why this issue is important to you or why it is in their interest to do it your way.  This is why conflict, done well, is often a road to deepening intimacy.

If you are genuinely open to listening to your partner and how it is for them and what they want, you may find yourself looking for solutions that are different from those you first thought of.  Creative solutions that give you both what you are seeking – the wonderful “win-win” position that is quite outside the box but works well for you both.

It can happen but, in my experience, it takes persistance, persuasion and openness to create those magical moments of successful resolution.

The post Getting to resolution: In praise of persistence, persuasion & openness appeared first on Couples Therapy NZ.

Furthermore a colleague of ours at The Couples Institute, Stacy Lee, has written two helpful blogs to support our relationships during this stressful time.

In her first blog she raises our awareness of the normal struggles that we may face whilst in voluntary isolation (or in lock down) and offers tips on how to avoid these.  She also highlights the relationship gains that can come from working as a team https://couplesinstitutecounseling.com/relationships-covid-19-and-sheltering-in-place/.

In this second one, Stacy offers 75 different ways to connect whilst staying at home with your partner (and family) over this time.  This article can be of great use with or without this crisis and gives you an opportunity to review your relationship connection skills.  Have some fun, great connection is good for our mental health and immunity so check this out here https://couplesinstitutecounseling.com/ways-for-couples-to-connect-during-sheltering-in-place/

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This image encapsulates a really important lesson that many of us struggle to learn. If we want intimacy then we have to risk the vulnerability of authenticity, of being really honest. Among other things, being authentic means saying what is and isn’t OK for you. That’s what us therapist types mean when we talk about “setting boundaries”

The right-hand column in this picture is a good summary of what happens if we don’t do this. If we are not looking after ourselves by setting good boundaries we are likely to end up resentful and lonely. So why is it so difficult for many of us to set boundaries? Typically it is because (perhaps unconsciously) we don’t believe we are good enough, important enough, loveable enough or safe enough to get what we want. As a result of those kinds of insecurities about our worth, we fear that if we set boundaries we will be rejected or attacked.

That may have been true in the past, in our formative years, it may even have been true within your current relationship, but if you want the goodies in the left-hand column of the picture, then you are going to have to learn how to set boundaries with each other.

One key to setting boundaries effectively is to remember to talk about the positive side – what IS okay for you, what you DO want. So often we focus on what we don’t want (e.g. “Don’t fiddle with my hand, it tickles me”) rather than asking for what we’d like ( e.g. “I like that you want to touch me. Would you just hold my hand or rub it more firmly so I don’t get ticklish”).

Another approach I use, particularly when setting clean and clear boundaries represents a new way of operating in the relationship, is to say something like “I’m trying something new to help our relationship. Please bear with me if I don’t do it very well”. This signals my positive intention really clearly to my partner as well as giving them a warning that something new is coming their way.

Finally, remember that if you haven’t been taking the risk of setting boundaries and being assertive, it is going to feel uncomfortable but, as the diagram points out, that discomfort is minor and temporary compared to the lasting benefits that come from allowing yourself to be seen and known by your partner. That’s what intimacy is all about.

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Lots of couples have one person who is more self-centred and one who is more self-sacrificing. It can be very hard to acknowledge the unhelpfulness of these tendancies as there is a lot of judgment about these ways of being.   Further more we have usually learned these ways of operating as a self-protection in our formative years and, as a result, just think these ways of being are “normal” and that being “selfish” or “selfless” must be more extreme than what I’m doing. 

To make matters even harder, if this is a long standing way of protecting yourself, it can be hard for us to imagine what the alternative is.  Typically we fear that we will become like our partner (whose behaviour hurts and frustrates us).  We fear that “If I’m not self-sacrificing then I’m being selfish”.  Or “If I’m not self-centred then I’m going to be a doormat”.   But there ARE other options.

If you are one of the many people who tends to be a bit self-centred OR a bit self-sacrificing then try and accept this about yourself without getting defensive or ashamed about it.  You are far more likley to change this behaviour for the better if you start with a compassionate self-acceptance.  

The table below is intended to help you get clear about what the middle ground of having a solid sense of your self looks like across a range of aspects of relating.  Not everyone will necessarily fit every attribute described here – but it gives a general idea.

These are just a list of words – they are only of use if you explore what these words mean for YOU.  For example if you think you have a bit of a tendency to be self-absorbed, caught up in your own feelings (OR if you have a tendency to be a bit self-less, caught up in the feelings of others to the point of self-neglect) what does it mean to you to be “connected”?  For one person it may mean being more aware of and giving more importance to the experiences and feelings of others.  For another it may mean connected with my own feelings and thoughts.   You can then think about what practical steps you’d have to take to get more connected.  One person might need to ask more questions about their loved ones inner world, while the other might need to schedule time alone to check in with themselves.

 If you can see there is room for you to grow and change in this way – then it can be interesting to see if your partner feels the same about themselves.  Then the two of you can explore what practical steps you can each take in the relationship to make it more grounded.

Nic Beets

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Intimacy includes the sharing of tasks and interests, being emotionally in tune with each other and non-sexual forms of touching and closeness. It requires the capacity to work together and to connect with each other. It involves the deepest possible sharing of ourselves with our partner, mind, body and soul. This can grow in collaboration or stagnate over time.

Intimacy can be uniquely constructed together and as such is a team creation.
One way develop intimacy is to consider the various domains of intimacy. These domains offer a guide on areas that you can use to help you grow your connection. Any area can be discussed and developed from wherever you , your partner and the relationship starts from.

The Psychological Domain – this can include your inner thoughts about your relationship and how you demonstrate these. How do you show respect for yourself and your partner, how do you develop trust, communicate openness and honesty about your thoughts. How do you show your partner that “ I believe in you and am there for you”?

The Emotional Domain –this is the domain in which you can grow your skills on being aware of your own feelings, empathizing with your partner’s feelings, being expressive and verbally affectionate and making room for two people’s experiences.

The Physical Domain– it is important in this domain to consider how you give and receiveg non-sexual affection, how you utilize the power of touch in your unique ways. It involves being aware of the physical connections you learned from childhood and how these play out in your relationship, developing these. If you enjoy sexual connection together then this domain includes sharing chosen and negotiated sexual activities and erotic experiences.

The Operational Domain– this is the important practical domain, the one in which many conflicts surface. This domains involves considering the ways in which you and your partner share responsibilities, roles and decision making. How you both reviewing and renegotiating these when needed with the development of your lives and as situations change. It is often quoted that ‘foreplay starts with the dishes’!

The Social Domain– this can include sharing activities, interests and friends. Review how how you support your partner across settings when together and when socializing separately to each other. Do you often bring home to your partner stories of your experiences socially when you have been out without them?

The Spiritual Domain – this is a domain that is not often known, named or described in relationships. But this domain is the one in which you share your deeper dreams, hopes, beliefs on meaning of life. A place where you share your sense of being in your body when connecting with the world. For example your embodiment in sensory realms and when at one with nature forms. Some consider the spiritual domain a place where the soul is experienced through prayer, connection with the universe. Consider how you might meet with yourself and your partner in this spiritual domain.

Deepening intimate connection is a creative team effort – take the plunge…

Paula Dennan

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If you are not looking after yourself then you are more likely to behave in a stressed, grumpy, irritable or depressed way.  You are likely to have a shorter fuse or be shut down and withdrawn. So often the first step for couples wanting to improve their relationship with each other is to improve their relationship with themselves.  Often people need to develop some energy reserves and steadiness to be able to give quality time and energy to their relationship.  Most of us know that we need to give our kids or our business or career time and energy if something good is to develop, yet we sometimes are surprised that our relationships are not working very well despite us giving them virtually no quality time or energy.

There is a saying in the relationship field; “You can’t have a deeper relationship with your partner than you have with yourself”.  The implication is that love and care starts with self love and care.  If you neglect yourself, or want to avoid how you are, then you will very likely be limited in how able you are to be open and vulnerable with your partner.  On the other hand you may be so busy ‘collapsing’ and recovering or barely stumbling along through each week that you have nothing left over for the relationship.  You may come across as so stressed and ‘touchy’ to your partner that it feels too ‘dangerous’ to get close to you or to engage with you much, the risk of you blowing up may seem too great.

I want to make a special mention about alcohol and drugs. Our culture really normalizes using them to deal with stress and unhappiness.  But so often the short-term relief they give is outweighed by the long-term harm.  In my experience there is a spectacularly strong association between couples having unpleasant upsets and fights and one or both of them having drunk or drugged.  I advise all the couples I work with to cut back on their use of alcohol and drugs if they are having a lot of upsets. This simple shift can lead to quite a dramatic improvement in the conflict levels couples experience.

We owe it to ourselves, our relationship and families to take good care of our own well-being.  Knowing what soothes, nourishes and nurtures us and making sure we do enough of it.  Noticing when we are not feeling OK and knowing what to do about it.  This kind of self-responsibility is the foundational requirement for us to be in a fit state for relating with those we love. Taking good care of our bodies and energy levels and being kind and loving in how we think about ourselves is important.  Checking on things like our self worth and our self-talk is vital.  And if our negative attitude toward ourselves is pulling us down, then doing something about it.

In couple therapy I have found that it does not work to give people who are already exhausted and overwhelmed a list of tasks or things to try to improve their relationship.  It will often just add to their overwhelm and may even push them into feeling even worse about themselves when they fail to find the time and energy to do them.  They may end up feeling that they are not only ‘failing’ at their relationship but they are also ‘failing’ at therapy.

So if you are on this page looking for help with your relationship – have a think about how you are treating yourself.  It might be that the first thing or the simplest thing you can do to improve things with your partner is to improve things for yourself.

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In talking about relationships, have you ever noticed people describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or demanding?  They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc.

Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need you” is generally offered up in a movie or book as the ultimate declaration of love, the height of romance.  We are encouraged to give ourselves up or surrender to our partner.

So why is it that so many people complain about it??

When we give ourselves up or surrender to our partner, we are making our identity dependent upon the choices and behaviour of another person. If this is your model for love, this can eventually leave you feeling trapped in a very vulnerable and dis-empowered position.

The answer to understanding how we fall into this trap lies in understanding adult development, particularly the development that takes place in the context of relationships.

The state of passionate merger that is idealised in books & movies is only the first of many stages that a relationship can mature through over time. Colloquially it’s called the “honeymoon” phase (although it’s often over well before any commitment rituals are planned). Typically it lasts between 6 months to 2 years.

The leading clinicians in the area, Bader & Pearson (1988) formally label this stage “Symbiosis” and define it as “…a merging or lives, personalities, and intense bonding between the two lovers.  … similarities are magnified and differences are overlooked” (p.9) . This rush towards sameness provides comforting evidence of the bond.  However this can create a false sense of security as, eventually, differences surface and need to be dealt with.

If you are stuck in this stage you may be saying to (or hearing from) your partner things like: “I NEED you be with me/ have sex with me/tell me what’s going on with you/share my hobby/ etc”. The difference between “wanting” and “needing” gets lost in this way of talking.

Here’s how we think the two differ:

The difference between “need” & “want” 

So next time you ask your partner for something, or to do something, have a think about whether you are coming across as desiring or demanding…

The post Why “I need you” is a deeply unsexy sentiment by Nic Beets appeared first on Couples Therapy NZ.

1. The first level is the most simple, straightforward kind of talk – where the focus is on the topic, is often called the CONTENT level.  For example, we are having a discussion about whether we should try and take a vacation this winter OR how strict we need to be about our child’s bedtime.  A useful way to share information and ideas.

2. If this discussion isn’t going well or we want to deepen connection then we can shift to talking about HOW we talk.  This is called the PROCESS or “META” level. Most people make the mistake of focusing on how their partner is talking (i.e. complaining about their partner). This usually derails the conversation as your partner defends him or herself and you insist they were being unhelpful.   What is far more productive is being able to reflect on how you yourself are talking and especially if you think you are doing something unhelpful e.g. arguing my point instead of listening and considering yours OR being hostile instead of compassionate.  So at this level we consider how we are saying what we are saying.

3. The deepest level of discussing is the one that often creates the greatest sense of intimacy because it involves vulnerable self reflection.  This is the MEANING level – this is where you ask yourself “why does this matter to me, what is it about for me?” (beyond the obvious content). Often this is initally sub-conscious – we aren’t aware of it unless we stop and reflect about ourselves.  When we do there are frequently things going on for you that would NOT be obvious to your partner, so there is now way they could have considered them. For example, “Having holidays is about feeling like I am free and succeeding, unlike my parents who were chained to a business that never quite made it”  OR “I feel like a bad parent, unable to control my child if s/he needs me to go in more than twice to settle them at bedtime”.  If you can go deep into yourself like this and work out what the issue is about for you then often that opens doors to creative alternative solutions that are more acceptable to your partner.

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“Closeness” is all warm and easy and comfortable and friendly. It’s the payoff for being in relationship – the fun stuff.   In contrast, “intimacy” (“into-me-see”) is about knowing and being known “warts and all” – this is frequently the hard work part of relationship.

Why is intimacy so often hard work?  Well, you can’t have intimacy without vulnerability.  So intimacy depends on interactions that are challenging, revealing, effortful and even scary.  Closeness is about keeping things sweet so we can easily be in the same space.  Intimacy needs to include learning about oneself growing and struggling with the less than ideal aspects of oneself and sharing that with your partner. The growing pains of relationship development!

If you want to keep your partner close then it is tempting to avoid saying the things that you fear will “rock the boat” or push your partner away.  It is easier to avoid talking about subjects where there are have differences and about those aspects of oneself that you think your partner will reject or that you don’t like/are ashamed of.  If this forms the bulk of the relationship then any closeness you have is going to lack depth, because together you are avoiding really knowing each other.

Couples who avoid conflict are prone to over-doing closeness. We are not saying closeness is bad.  It’s the pay-off, remember?  But it’s not enough by itself.  Focusing on closeness is OK at times (e.g. having a special dinner together) but if this is done too much, a relationship becomes stagnant and/or false.

Couples who fight or bicker are, obviously, less avoidant of upset.  Typically they are also seeking closeness but they lack the self-awareness & self-mastery to resolve the issues in a way that builds intimacy.  When you aim for closeness by trying to make your partner change, you drive them further away.  Both likely to end up feeling frustrated, hurt and misunderstood.

If instead you aim for intimacy, in the sense of sharing what’s really going on for you, a partner isn’t always going to like what you say.  They might not even like some things about who you really are.  But at least your partner will know what’s going on inside you and have a chance to deal with it.  Differences will be out in the open and together you can work through them.

This is not the same as blurting every thought or feeling you have.  You still need to use tact and timing, discretion and diplomacy in sharing what’s going on for you.  But the more fully you can bring yourself into the relationship, the greater chance you have of feeling accepted and truly loved for who you are.  Out of this comes a mature, deep, enduring closeness.

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