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Having a strong relationship requires both people to be able to keep themselves in a strong and resilient state.  If you are burnt-out, overworking, neglecting your self-care either emotionally or physically, dealing with your stress in unwholesome ways like using a lot of alcohol and drugs, food, social media etc, then the chances are you aren’t in a fit state to offer your partner or relationship very much. If you are not looking after yourself then you are more likely to behave in a stressed, grumpy, irritable or depressed way.  You are likely to have a shorter fuse or be shut down and withdrawn. So often the first step for couples wanting to improve their relationship with each other is to improve their relationship with themselves.  Often people need to…

As human beings and social animals we are wired to relate.  Whether you are in a committed relationship or single, we all exist in a web of relationships with family, friends, lovers, workmates and communities.  Given this, it is no wonder that we find it ourselves thinking or talking about relationships a lot of the time. In talking about relationships, have you ever noticed people describing their partner (or themselves) as “needy” or demanding?  They complain about pressure for (or a lack of) affection, sex, attention, talk etc. Yet our culture idealises the notion of needing your partner. “I need you” is generally offered up in a movie or book as the ultimate declaration of love, the height of romance.  We are encouraged to give ourselves up or surrender to our…

Sometimes it can be really helpful to think about what “level” or “depth” your relationship discussions are at in order to avoid confusion and have the kind of connection your want.  We tend to talk about three levels or types of conversation The first level is the most simple, straightforward kind of talk – where the focus is on the topic, is often called the CONTENT level.  For example, we are having a discussion about whether we should try and take a vacation this winter OR how strict we need to be about our child’s bedtime.  A useful way to share information and ideas. 2. If this discussion isn’t going well or we want to deepen connection then we can shift to talking about HOW we talk.  This is called…

A lot of people, including therapists, use the words “closeness” and “intimacy” as if they were interchangeable.  It’s useful to separate their meanings out. "Closeness" is all warm and easy and comfortable and friendly. It’s the payoff for being in relationship – the fun stuff.   In contrast, "intimacy" (“into-me-see”) is about knowing and being known “warts and all” – this is frequently the hard work part of relationship. Why is intimacy so often hard work?  Well, you can’t have intimacy without vulnerability.  So intimacy depends on interactions that are challenging, revealing, effortful and even scary.  Closeness is about keeping things sweet so we can easily be in the same space.  Intimacy needs to include learning about oneself growing and struggling with the less than ideal aspects of oneself and sharing…